Why is it so hard to leave an abuser?

From the outside it seems so simple. Just pack up and leave, you don't deserve this treatment. You are better than this.

However, the reality is often so very different.

Abusers are smart. They isolate their victims from friends, family, even work colleagues. They systematically create a complete dependence on them. They use lines such as 'your friends don't understand how much I love you' and 'I know I don't show it, but I love you so much and would do anything to make you happy.' or 'No one understands you like I do'. They don't isolate you in one hit, that would be too obvious. They listen to you and use what you say or feel about others to convince you that you should distance yourself from them.

Eventually it is just you and your abuser. You become suspicious of others, as you have been brainwashed that everyone is out to either destroy your relationship, or pull you down. The reality is that the abuser is doing a good enough job on his or her own. Whenever you encounter others, you become guarded, worried how the way you relate to another will be perceived by your abuser. You stop making real friendships, and allow your abuser to take the lead on who you do and don't speak to.

Maintaining a job may become difficult, cutting you off from any financial means of escape. Often purposely creating arguments, having breakdowns, or even simply locking all doors and removing keys are tools an abuser will use to prevent you from keeping to any work commitments you have. You become exhausted by trying to balance your work and your 'responsibility' to your abuser, and often it becomes easier to stay at home with them than to keep your job. You become entirely financially dependent on them, as well as emotionally.

As time goes on, and you start to feel that your relationship with your abuser had become unhealthy, your abuser may begin to resort to threats, or actual physical or sexual violence to maintain control. You then become fearful of your abuser, particularly if you have children. They become unpredictable and erratic, and the relationship is becoming dangerous. As you have no support network of friends and relatives, and no financial means of escape, you are trapped.

It is important to realise that once you have identified that you are living with an abusive partner, you must try to plan a way out. Many women, men, and children have lost their lives at the hands of abusive partners simply because the victim felt there was no way out.

Try to be clever, lure your abuser into a false sense of security to maintain calm in your household. Reach out to charities, or helplines for help. Set a target and follow through on it. Understand that the only way the situation will change is if you make the change. Take any opportunity you can.

I should have escaped my abusive relationship much sooner than I did. I still have a lot to learn. But now that I am separated I feel so liberated and relieved it is worth any difficulties I have left to face. At least now I am responsible for my own actions, and my own future, without the shadow of my abuser.