I have recently separated from an abusive partner. It's still not a done deal, he doesn't understand how much I am determined that we never get back together. He calls me and says he's determined to win me back. That he's changed and realises how wrong he was. I don't believe a word.
I spent the last 11 years being manipulated, cheated on, emotionally, financially and sexually abused. I lost all of my dignity, and was dragged into his criminal activity simply by virtue of being his partner at the time, which has not only damaged my self esteem, but my reputation.
I have two children, a blessing in this whole sordid affair. They still love their father. They are too young for me to explain the situation, only that their father has gone. They still speak to him, it is not my place to influence their relationship with him at this point.
It started out well, he was charming and I thought I'd found the one. He was caring, affectionate, and thoughtful. As time drew on he slowly became a monster, and I became weaker. It happened so subtly that I can't pinpoint the exact moment the relationship turned into something not only unhealthy, but dangerous. Before I knew it I was in too deep. He systematically isolated me from any friends I had, and I became entirely dependent on him both financially and emotionally. Up to the end we still had some good times, so I would forget about the bad, until the next time.
I tried to claw back some independence, I worked jobs that he always took issue with so I had to leave them. I tried to make new friends but he always said they were problematic, and woe betide if I had any friends of the opposite sex. His jealousy was all encompassing, he wouldn't share me with anyone else in any capacity.
He cheated numerous times, and is a raging alcoholic who once he starts to drink, becomes unpredictable and dangerous, not only to himself, but to others. He has periods where he doesn't drink, making the situation all the more difficult as he promises not to drink again and is full of remorse. I have shed many, many tears. Spent countless nights awake wondering when he'll return from one of his drinking sprees, worrying about the mood he'll be in. The day after a drinking session he always demanded sex. No matter what. If I was due to go somewhere or to work he would take the car keys from me and not allow me out of the house until he'd had what he wanted. I had to let him have sex with me or my life became unbearable. Many times I would be crying while he did it. But he'd always apologise for being selfish afterwards. Then do the same again a couple of days later. My confidence and self esteem was so low that I thought that this was normal. I thought it couldn't possibly be wrong. I'm in a relationship, it's my duty to give him what he needs, right? How stupid I was.
One night he raped me. No other word can describe it. He conveniently can't remember the incident. I remember every single detail. I didn't report it, what's the point? Trying to prove any rape is difficult let alone when you live with someone and have two children to them. Besides which, he'd no doubt talk his way out of it.
If we argued when he was driving he would go crazy, and drive in a manner that terrified me. Often we would have the children in the car while he did it. I was so scared for them.
I'm still scared of him. I haven't entirely broken away. I still rely on him financially while I try to piece my life back together. We aren't even in the same country and I still feel he is here. I want to move on entirely, get a job and support my children myself, then I can finally cease all contact. I still feel completely vulnerable, I still feel like he has control.
I've started this blog to try and make sense of what I've been through, and to tell my story to others who were or are currently in and abusive relationship. I will detail incidents as they come to mind, they may not be in order of how they happened. But my story needs to be told. Hopefully I will finally escape this demon and be strong for my children, and this blog will help me work through the trauma I have experienced.. Anyone can end up in an abusive relationship, no matter how strong you think you are. I only hope that what I've been through helps others to spot potentially abusive relationships and escape. Before it's too late.
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