Why is it so hard to leave an abuser?

From the outside it seems so simple. Just pack up and leave, you don't deserve this treatment. You are better than this.

However, the reality is often so very different.

Abusers are smart. They isolate their victims from friends, family, even work colleagues. They systematically create a complete dependence on them. They use lines such as 'your friends don't understand how much I love you' and 'I know I don't show it, but I love you so much and would do anything to make you happy.' or 'No one understands you like I do'. They don't isolate you in one hit, that would be too obvious. They listen to you and use what you say or feel about others to convince you that you should distance yourself from them.

Eventually it is just you and your abuser. You become suspicious of others, as you have been brainwashed that everyone is out to either destroy your relationship, or pull you down. The reality is that the abuser is doing a good enough job on his or her own. Whenever you encounter others, you become guarded, worried how the way you relate to another will be perceived by your abuser. You stop making real friendships, and allow your abuser to take the lead on who you do and don't speak to.

Maintaining a job may become difficult, cutting you off from any financial means of escape. Often purposely creating arguments, having breakdowns, or even simply locking all doors and removing keys are tools an abuser will use to prevent you from keeping to any work commitments you have. You become exhausted by trying to balance your work and your 'responsibility' to your abuser, and often it becomes easier to stay at home with them than to keep your job. You become entirely financially dependent on them, as well as emotionally.

As time goes on, and you start to feel that your relationship with your abuser had become unhealthy, your abuser may begin to resort to threats, or actual physical or sexual violence to maintain control. You then become fearful of your abuser, particularly if you have children. They become unpredictable and erratic, and the relationship is becoming dangerous. As you have no support network of friends and relatives, and no financial means of escape, you are trapped.

It is important to realise that once you have identified that you are living with an abusive partner, you must try to plan a way out. Many women, men, and children have lost their lives at the hands of abusive partners simply because the victim felt there was no way out.

Try to be clever, lure your abuser into a false sense of security to maintain calm in your household. Reach out to charities, or helplines for help. Set a target and follow through on it. Understand that the only way the situation will change is if you make the change. Take any opportunity you can.

I should have escaped my abusive relationship much sooner than I did. I still have a lot to learn. But now that I am separated I feel so liberated and relieved it is worth any difficulties I have left to face. At least now I am responsible for my own actions, and my own future, without the shadow of my abuser.

Welcome to my story.

I have recently separated from an abusive partner. It's still not a done deal, he doesn't understand how much I am determined that we never get back together. He calls me and says he's determined to win me back. That he's changed and realises how wrong he was. I don't believe a word.

I spent the last 11 years being manipulated, cheated on, emotionally, financially and sexually abused. I lost all of my dignity, and was dragged into his criminal activity simply by virtue of being his partner at the time, which has not only damaged my self esteem, but my reputation.

I have two children, a blessing in this whole sordid affair. They still love their father. They are too young for me to explain the situation, only that their father has gone. They still speak to him, it is not my place to influence their relationship with him at this point.

It started out well, he was charming and I thought I'd found the one. He was caring, affectionate, and thoughtful. As time drew on he slowly became a monster, and I became weaker. It happened so subtly that I can't pinpoint the exact moment the relationship turned into something not only unhealthy, but dangerous. Before I knew it I was in too deep. He systematically isolated me from any friends I had, and I became entirely dependent on him both financially and emotionally. Up to the end we still had some good times, so I would forget about the bad, until the next time.

I tried to claw back some independence, I worked jobs that he always took issue with so I had to leave them. I tried to make new friends but he always said they were problematic, and woe betide if I had any friends of the opposite sex. His jealousy was all encompassing, he wouldn't share me with anyone else in any capacity.

He cheated numerous times, and is a raging alcoholic who once he starts to drink, becomes unpredictable and dangerous, not only to himself, but to others. He has periods where he doesn't drink, making the situation all the more difficult as he promises not to drink again and is full of remorse.  I have shed many, many tears. Spent countless nights awake wondering when he'll return from one of his drinking sprees, worrying about the mood he'll be in. The day after a drinking session he always demanded sex. No matter what. If I was due to go somewhere or to work he would take the car keys from me and not allow me out of the house until he'd had what he wanted. I had to let him have sex with me or my life became unbearable. Many times I would be crying while he did it. But he'd always apologise for being selfish afterwards. Then do the same again a couple of days later. My confidence and self esteem was so low that I thought that this was normal. I thought it couldn't possibly be wrong. I'm in a relationship, it's my duty to give him what he needs, right? How stupid I was.

One night he raped me. No other word can describe it. He conveniently can't remember the incident. I remember every single detail. I didn't report it, what's the point? Trying to prove any rape is difficult let alone when you live with someone and have two children to them. Besides which, he'd no doubt talk his way out of it.

If we argued when he was driving he would go crazy, and drive in a manner that terrified me. Often we would have the children in the car while he did it. I was so scared for them.

I'm still scared of him. I haven't entirely broken away. I still rely on him financially while I try to piece my life back together. We aren't even in the same country and I still feel he is here. I want to move on entirely, get a job and support my children myself, then I can finally cease all contact. I still feel completely vulnerable, I still feel like he has control.

I've started this blog to try and make sense of what I've been through, and to tell my story to others who were or are currently in and abusive relationship. I will detail incidents as they come to mind, they may not be in order of how they happened. But my story needs to be told. Hopefully I will finally escape this demon and be strong for my children, and this blog will help me work through the trauma I have experienced.. Anyone can end up in an abusive relationship, no matter how strong you think you are. I only hope that what I've been through helps others to spot potentially abusive relationships and escape. Before it's too late.